Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The Yellowjacket Wars

This isn't an art post.  This is a post about war.  Specifically, my war against the yellowjackets.  There is death and gore discussed here.  Parents, be advised.

Three weeks ago, I was doing some yard work.  I brought the wheelbarrow around to a spot next to the birch tree and set it down.  A minute later, BAM!  I was stung hard on the ankle.  I backed off but BAM!  BAM!  Two more stings, one on the leg and one on the arm.  Damn, they hurt.  I got away and nursed my wounds a bit and then went back out to do some recon.  Seems that I had set the wheelbarrow down almost right on top of a new nest of yellowjackets.  These are nasty little buggers, a type of wasp that is very aggressive and can sting multiple times.  So not only was I walking wounded, but a strategic part of my yard had been taken over by the ISIS of the insect world.  And they had seized my wheelbarrow.  This meant war.

So I studied the situation from about 20 feet away.  The level of activity indicated a modest-sized Combat OutPost (COP).  COP Stinger's main gate was easy to locate: a hole in the ground about an inch and a half in diameter.  There was a lot of traffic going in and out.  A bit of research (thank you, Mr. Google) indicated that any assault on the COP should take place after dark, when all the bastards are home and quiet.  So I made my preparations.  At about 9 pm, when the light was almost gone, I put on my body armor: heavy jeans with the pants legs tucked into my socks, high-top boots, and a hooded jacket.  My weapons consisted of a flashlight, a full can of wasp insecticide, and a rock.  From my observation point about 20 feet away, I verified that there was not visible activity, then launched the assault.  I emptied the whole can of wasp killer into the hole, blocked off the entrance with the rock, and quickly withdrew.  In and out in one minute.  The SEALS couldn't have done better.

The next day, though, there was still activity around the strike zone.  Their numbers were considerably reduced, but the area and my wheelbarrow were still under the bastards' control.  They had built a new main gate to their COP a foot or so away from the one I'd attacked.  It also seemed like the enemy fighters were physically smaller than the previous day.  So I resupplied my weapons and at about 9 pm, I conducted a second strike.  In, out, and another gate blocked.

The next day showed similar results: a smaller level of activity, another new gate, and definitely smaller fighters.  My guess is that the eggs were still hatching and the youngsters were having to fill in for the slightly older fighters who'd been killed in my two assaults.  So while I had decimated the yellowjacket population, I had not eliminated it.  And I still couldn't get to my wheelbarrow.

I struck again that night.  And again the next.  Two more cans of insecticide were dumped into the nest.  The next day, there were only two of the little bastards wandering around, seemingly lost, unable to find their way into the nest and unable to figure out what to do next.  I rated the battle as a success, with COP Stinger being effectively eliminated.  And I retrieved my wheelbarrow.

I was out of town for the next week.  This past Saturday, I went out to mow my weeds.  Everything was going well until BAM!  I was stung on the ankle.  I dumped the lawnmower and hightailed it out of the area.  As I was going into the house to take care of my new wound, BAM!  BAM!  Two more stings.  One of the little assholes was still on my boot, trying to get at my foot.  He became an ex-asshole pretty quickly.  We located another and chased him out of the house before he could do any more damage.

Okay, so where did these guys come from?  I thought COP Stinger was eliminated.  Another careful recon showed that COP Stinger was, indeed, inactive.  However, there was a new nest about 20 feet away.  It was much busier than Stinger ever had been.  Where Stinger was a medium-sized operation, this was a full-on major enemy base.  And I'd run the mower right over it.  So Little Bastard Air Base (LBAB) had to go.

The next question was: how?  I'd used four cans of wasp killer before COP Stinger was finally destroyed and it took four days.  I wanted something more effective.  I had an answer right there in my garage.

Napalm.

Okay, it wasn't really napalm, but gasoline is close enough.  That night, I suited up in my body armor again, grabbed my equipment, a Coke bottle full of gasoline, a butane lighter, and a kabob stick.  After my recon showed that Little Bastard Air Base was quiet, I launched the assault.  I poured the gasoline down the main gate and quickly withdrew to let the gas stifle them and soak into the infrastructure.  Ten minutes later, I came back, lit the end of the kabob stick on fire, and shoved it into the hole.  Whoooomp!  (No, it wasn't like in the movies, with a big fireball and a WHOOOMP!!! that rattles windows a mile away.  It was just a little whooomp and a small flame coming out of the hole).  After a bit, I sprayed some water on it to put out the fire and retired for the night.

Sunday, though, showed that Little Bastard Air Base was still active, although significantly reduced. They were still using their main gate since I hadn't blocked it off.  Damn, those guys are tough!  However, I was able to retrieve my lawnmower and mull over my next move while finishing the yard.  Well, not all the yard.  I stayed 20 feet away from LBAB, so now there's a small area of high weeds right in front of the birch tree.

Although the napalm attack did not eliminate the buggers, it did seem to be much more effective than the wasp spray.  And it was a helluva lot more fun.  So that night, I suited up and conducted another assault with the gas.  This time, I brought a rock to block their main gate after the attack.

Result: mission kill on LBAB.  There were only a few dazed survivors in the vicinity, apparently stragglers who couldn't figure out how to get back into the base.  They seem to be wandering off.

So the Great Yellowjacket War of 2017 seems to be a success.  I'm not claiming total victory yet, as other nests may crop up in the next few weeks.  If so, they can expect the Wrath of Rohde to come down on them with no mercy.  And ALL options are on the table.  

1 comment:

lifeartist said...

Those stragglers may be a source for a new nest. Solitary wasps can become queens for a new nest. Get those stragglers too.